This case study is based off a testimonial from one of my 1:1 grief support clients. Though I will not share their name for confidentiality reasons, I have permission to use and repurpose this testimonial and to share the parts of my clients’ story that was outlined in their testimonial.
As an obligatory disclaimer, I will remind readers that the grief support I provide is always non-clinical. This means I do not diagnose, treat, or prescribe.
Instead, my role is, first and foremost, a story-holder. I listen to stories of loss and love, witnessing and holding space for whatever emotions are present in the moment. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes both at once.
As I write below, another huge aspect of my grief work is to provide grief-informed education to help normalize and honor loss – and the symptoms that come along with it.
Am I Grieving my parents "wrong"?
M came to me almost seven months ago in search of grief support following the death of both parents in short succession. When they were diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, M became the caretaker until they eventually passed in less than a two-year period.
After devoting so much time, energy, and emotional output to their parents, M was left in the wake of the deaths feeling lost, sad, and with no idea how to get back into “real” life. M was also concerned they were “grieving wrong.”
But when we met, it was clear that M was reeling in the common experience of tremendous grief. M had worked with general mental health professionals but had felt unsupported – not due to a lack of the therapists’ competency but because those therapists were not specifically trained or literate in grief and the grieving process.
The Physical Symptoms of Grief
In addition to the sorrow of their immense grief, M was experiencing additional suffering because they worried they were grieving wrong: maybe too long? Maybe too intensely? They felt exhausted, uncharacteristically “lazy,” and expressed an intense desire to stay sequestered away from others and their prying questions.
This is why understanding the physiological components of grief are crucial. They help dismantle the invalidation of real, physical grief symptoms, while normalizing the experience. They provide a buffer against the well-meaning but unhelpful opinions of others who wonder if the grief is “taking too long.”
Most people (including some therapists) are unaware of the host of physical symptoms that often accompany loss: brain fog, prolonged fatigue, and social anxiety, to name a few. I shared some of this grief education and the neuroscience behind it with M, who, for the first time, felt validated in their grief experience and their physiological response.
This was a big deal, since M was constantly being bombarded by the typical messaging of a grief illiterate society: “are you over this yet?” “Are you going to be happier?”
M's Experience in Grief Support
M shared that their experience in my grief support sessions provided them with the sort of support they wished their friends and family could provide.
But unfortunately, because we are a sadness-avoiding society, we are not taught how to normalize heaviness. Instead, we push pain away with unhelpful platitudes, and in doing so, we shrink grievers and dismiss their very real, very painful experience.
Our work together has focused on providing grief education (understanding why M felt so stuck) and normalizing, validating, and honoring this heaviness – both as a physical response to loss and as a way that M’s love for their parents will be carried forward.
Together, we have invited self-compassion and explored various grief-informed perspectives. In M’s timing, we collaborate on supportive ways to navigate the wake of loss and care for self as M continues to slowly, gently, integrate grief into their life.
